Dear Future Husband, Here’s How To Calculate My Bride Price – Nkechi Bianze [READ]

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By Nkechi Bianze

Dear future husband,

If you must pay a price to marry me, you must do it well. Did I tell you that I’m good with numbers as well as very analytical? Now you know, and this my forte is the reason I chose to study a mathematics ridden male dominated course, Mechanical Engineering. Thus, you don’t have to worry your pretty head about the calculations, I will break it down for you with detailed explanations. That’s the least I would do for love.

My BRIDE PRICE.

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You see, I wasn’t raised in a home as rich as Dangote’s, but I was definitely not raised in a poor home. I would say my family falls on the upper average of the social strata. So, I had the good things of life. I went to some of the best primary and secondary schools in my home country, before I left to a top Engineering school in the UK to study Engineering. By now, you would begin to agree with me that my parents spent a lot of money raising and developing me.

My parents paid over £8,000 for every year of my four years undergraduate degree program. That’s a total of £32,000*

They also paid over £8,000 for every year of my graduate degree which lasted for two years. That’s a total of £16,000*

The above figures cover just the tuition for that period, we need to add living expenses.

As a good girl who isn’t extravagant, I survived on just £1,000 a month. This covers accommodation, bills, food, transportation, clothing and other miscellaneous expenses.

£1,000 × 72 months (6 years) = £72,000*

I lived there for another one year, with living expenses of at least £1,000 each month. That’s a total of £12,000*

My current program is costing me not less than C$24,000 per annum. This includes tuition, and all living expenses. I’m in the second of 2.5 years. That’s a total of C$60,000 for the entire period.

For easy calculation, let’s convert it to £s. C$60,000 = £40,000*

I started University in the UK in 2008, so my total price over the last 8 years is this:

£32,000 + £16,000 + £72,000 + £12,000 + £40,000 = £172,000**

We can estimate the cost of my nursery, primary and secondary schools to N2million*

You see, besides the things that money can buy, one thing I never lacked is parental love. As easy as that may sound, many children lacked and still lack such. My parents devoted their lives and resources for I and my siblings. I’m convinced that they would lay down their lives for me, if need be. Such love is rare and priceless. I feel I’m being an ungrateful child placing a price tag on my parents’ love and devotion to me. But, since we are calculating my bride price, I guess I might as well do, albeit painstakingly.

I’m over 25 but below 30. So, let’s calculate with the assumption that I’m 26.

I can’t place less than N10million for each year of my life. That’s a total of N260million*

N260million + N2million = N262million**

The current exchange rate for pounds is well over N550 to £1 (I exchanged last week at the rate of N580, but we can use N550 for this calculation).

550 × 172,000 = N94,600,000**

N94,600,000 + N262,000,000 = N356,600,000***

Newsflash*** I’m one of the most intelligent humans ever existed on planet earth. Whenever I talk like this, people smell arrogance and cockiness. But those are not my intentions, I’m only just stating fact.

Based on this obvious fact is another fact that I function (as a human) more than a hundred times better than the best and most expensive humanoid robot, which costs not less than US $1million. Let’s safely assume that I function just a hundred times better.

That’s US$1million × 100 = US$100million

US$100million = £70,000,000

£70,000,000 × 550 = N38,500,000,000

GRAND TOTAL:

N38,500,000,000 + N356,600,000 = N38,856,600,000 + 5% tax.

Also, the elders of my village do not smile, they are not jokers and they definitely do not mess about. They’ve got strong negotiating powers, and they do take business pretty seriously. Thus, on realization that they have to “sell” out one of their most fabulous daughters of the soil into marriage; you can be rest assured that “the list” will be another blockbuster capable of rendering the average Nigerian man bankrupt for life.

For it to be on records that you actually paid my bride price, you will have to pay the grand total of N38,856,600,000 plus the exorbitant list from my business minded and money conscious kinsmen.

Alternatively, you can totally avoid paying the grand total and the list, and give me your genuine love instead.

I am the one you are getting married to, and for me to agree to marry you, you MUST fulfill either of the “prices”. If you ask me, I would go for the latter, just your genuine love.

But, it’s your call, and the ball is in your court.

I hope and keep my fingers crossed that you make the wise decision.

Your future wife,

Nkechi Bianze.

This piece was first published on Nkechi Bianze’s Facebook Page.

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Opinion pieces of this sort published on TheSheet.ng are those of the original authors and do not in anyway represent the thoughts, beliefs and ideas of TheSheet.ng.

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